the wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them
I dont want this to sound like its a depressing post, because in the whole its not going to be. I had a fabulous christmas with my family and know that this final week of winter break is going to be awesome with my friends.
But, and yes, there is a but, the heart wants and even santa cant bring to us all what we want every year, and this year is not mine either. I havent been very well lately, ive had the flu quite seriously which is why i havent posted ( not that anyone actually reads these LOL).
But back to the point, with Charlie, things were getting a lot better, the last few days of term. He WANTED to come find me, he WANTED me to speak to him in the evenings, and tbh my whole play it cool thing, boys are elastic bands other thing was working. And then things went wrong.
Up until this point, i'd been ill for a week and a bit so had barely spoken to him as i had no energy or strength to spend my evenings talking to him online... and obvisouly i hadnt been in school. few days before xmas, i'd already organised to go to Brighton (place on the south coast of england) for a few nights with my fam and friends. He did previously know this...but when i came back, he was kinda having a go at me wondering where i am because i didnt let him know. so he gets arsey. i get bitchy. blah blah he turns it round saying that it was just cos ive been distant and cos ive been ill hes been worried..yeah but thats the point.. i've been ILL. something snapped. just pop. i realised, that yeah im always going to love him, but right now i need to think aboiut myself. why should i enter the new year with some boy who makes me feel so bad at times (okay he treats me good to, but thats not the point). why should i spend my last 6 months of senior school not out enjoying myself flirting around and meeting new people and furthermore why should i wonder, when i get to college, if i CAN be with someone, when im in this half existance with him.
I realised, in a twisted way, ive kept coming back to him. I've kept keeping hope, when every normal person would have left a long time ago. More people have had more from him than i have for a shorter amount of time and left. i'm causing my own heartbreak- so the only one that can fix it is me. and that dear internet, is what i shall do. begin fixing my heart... but honestly, for anyone who may come across this blog, the one thing i shall give you, anyone heartbroken, wondering to stay with some guy is this : one day, in your own time you shall realise, that life with them is goood, but life without them can be even better...and if not, if its destiny you will be back together somehow. because thats life.
so roll on 2011, because i know i am myself now. sure i love him still. there is no denying that. liking him for 2 years is not going to suddenly stop, and tbh i know myself it wont. but i am going to try to do things for me, and not worry about my chances with him..because after the past few weeks ive learnt, nothing is more important than making sure that, when everyone else around you is happy, you make time to make sure you are too.
x'b.
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