So, in a few hours its going to be 2011. a long anticipated new year; a fresh start. for me anyway. I've been looking forward to this for the past month or so. but now its here? I wish it wasnt.
Up until last night, I was all ready to say goodbye to 2010 and welcome the new year..with fresh chances and new experiences to help make the year a better one than this has been. I honestly believed that today I would embrace the change I've wanted for so long and learn to accept that with the new year coming I was going to take charge and make sure, this one is a better one for me. But seriously, the closer it gets, the more I wish the year would stay the same. I know what 2010 expected of me - yeah it threw me surprises, and hurt me quite abit too. But what if 2011 is going to throw more things at me - worse things? after the past few years i've had..i dont know if i can handle that.
for my last few posts, i've talked about finally letting go of Charlie. moving on to someone new and finally acknowledging the past 2 years have happened. But now its here, im doubting if i am truly ready to leave him, and all thats happened behind. tbh, i dont think im ready. :/
perhaps im scared that i'll end up alone... although i know, and honestly i do, that even with him in my life, i will end up alone - while he's there im never going to let anyone else in and he doesnt want me like that. and truthfully, i think im holding on because its become my routine. I dont know any different, i cant remember what it used to be like to not do what i do around him. I dont know what i'd do without coming home and talkign to him all night... its been 2 years since i came online to not talk to him.
the new year should be about change. and i want to bring change. but the thing i dont get, is how people seem to think, true change can happen overnight. :/
will i ever be free? even after everything, i dont want to hurt him. and i dont have it in me to say goodbye, although i know thats what i need to do. </3
2011? wait a few months
xb'.
Friday, 31 December 2010
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
2011 is on its way
Its the same book; just the beginning of a new chapter. you just have to decide what stays and what slowly leaves.
Following on from my post the other day, today more than ever I have decided that in 2011 i want to have fun and enjoy my last few months with everyone. In regards to Charlie, I hope that with some distance we can still remain friends and there are no harsh feelings there, because I dont doubt that in the future somewhen we will meet again and things will happen. At the end of the day, he IS too important to me to never speak to him again.. i just need some time for me right now. Experience life before i get too involved with him.. before my heart cannot ever love someone else. I dont want to end up alone after all, and I am a teenage girl.. i've only had eyes for him for 2 years, i want some time to be able to meet other guys. and for me the fact that college really isnt that far away holds new things and hope that i dont want to be held back. i dont want to have to worry about whats happenign with him. we're better off friends. thats the simple truth. i just need to work out the best way to leave without actually leaving if that makes sense. and preferably before the weekend. luck is needed :L
xB'.
Following on from my post the other day, today more than ever I have decided that in 2011 i want to have fun and enjoy my last few months with everyone. In regards to Charlie, I hope that with some distance we can still remain friends and there are no harsh feelings there, because I dont doubt that in the future somewhen we will meet again and things will happen. At the end of the day, he IS too important to me to never speak to him again.. i just need some time for me right now. Experience life before i get too involved with him.. before my heart cannot ever love someone else. I dont want to end up alone after all, and I am a teenage girl.. i've only had eyes for him for 2 years, i want some time to be able to meet other guys. and for me the fact that college really isnt that far away holds new things and hope that i dont want to be held back. i dont want to have to worry about whats happenign with him. we're better off friends. thats the simple truth. i just need to work out the best way to leave without actually leaving if that makes sense. and preferably before the weekend. luck is needed :L
xB'.
Sunday, 26 December 2010
the heart doesnt stop breaking, even over christmas
the wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them
I dont want this to sound like its a depressing post, because in the whole its not going to be. I had a fabulous christmas with my family and know that this final week of winter break is going to be awesome with my friends.
But, and yes, there is a but, the heart wants and even santa cant bring to us all what we want every year, and this year is not mine either. I havent been very well lately, ive had the flu quite seriously which is why i havent posted ( not that anyone actually reads these LOL).
But back to the point, with Charlie, things were getting a lot better, the last few days of term. He WANTED to come find me, he WANTED me to speak to him in the evenings, and tbh my whole play it cool thing, boys are elastic bands other thing was working. And then things went wrong.
Up until this point, i'd been ill for a week and a bit so had barely spoken to him as i had no energy or strength to spend my evenings talking to him online... and obvisouly i hadnt been in school. few days before xmas, i'd already organised to go to Brighton (place on the south coast of england) for a few nights with my fam and friends. He did previously know this...but when i came back, he was kinda having a go at me wondering where i am because i didnt let him know. so he gets arsey. i get bitchy. blah blah he turns it round saying that it was just cos ive been distant and cos ive been ill hes been worried..yeah but thats the point.. i've been ILL. something snapped. just pop. i realised, that yeah im always going to love him, but right now i need to think aboiut myself. why should i enter the new year with some boy who makes me feel so bad at times (okay he treats me good to, but thats not the point). why should i spend my last 6 months of senior school not out enjoying myself flirting around and meeting new people and furthermore why should i wonder, when i get to college, if i CAN be with someone, when im in this half existance with him.
I realised, in a twisted way, ive kept coming back to him. I've kept keeping hope, when every normal person would have left a long time ago. More people have had more from him than i have for a shorter amount of time and left. i'm causing my own heartbreak- so the only one that can fix it is me. and that dear internet, is what i shall do. begin fixing my heart... but honestly, for anyone who may come across this blog, the one thing i shall give you, anyone heartbroken, wondering to stay with some guy is this : one day, in your own time you shall realise, that life with them is goood, but life without them can be even better...and if not, if its destiny you will be back together somehow. because thats life.
so roll on 2011, because i know i am myself now. sure i love him still. there is no denying that. liking him for 2 years is not going to suddenly stop, and tbh i know myself it wont. but i am going to try to do things for me, and not worry about my chances with him..because after the past few weeks ive learnt, nothing is more important than making sure that, when everyone else around you is happy, you make time to make sure you are too.
x'b.
I dont want this to sound like its a depressing post, because in the whole its not going to be. I had a fabulous christmas with my family and know that this final week of winter break is going to be awesome with my friends.
But, and yes, there is a but, the heart wants and even santa cant bring to us all what we want every year, and this year is not mine either. I havent been very well lately, ive had the flu quite seriously which is why i havent posted ( not that anyone actually reads these LOL).
But back to the point, with Charlie, things were getting a lot better, the last few days of term. He WANTED to come find me, he WANTED me to speak to him in the evenings, and tbh my whole play it cool thing, boys are elastic bands other thing was working. And then things went wrong.
Up until this point, i'd been ill for a week and a bit so had barely spoken to him as i had no energy or strength to spend my evenings talking to him online... and obvisouly i hadnt been in school. few days before xmas, i'd already organised to go to Brighton (place on the south coast of england) for a few nights with my fam and friends. He did previously know this...but when i came back, he was kinda having a go at me wondering where i am because i didnt let him know. so he gets arsey. i get bitchy. blah blah he turns it round saying that it was just cos ive been distant and cos ive been ill hes been worried..yeah but thats the point.. i've been ILL. something snapped. just pop. i realised, that yeah im always going to love him, but right now i need to think aboiut myself. why should i enter the new year with some boy who makes me feel so bad at times (okay he treats me good to, but thats not the point). why should i spend my last 6 months of senior school not out enjoying myself flirting around and meeting new people and furthermore why should i wonder, when i get to college, if i CAN be with someone, when im in this half existance with him.
I realised, in a twisted way, ive kept coming back to him. I've kept keeping hope, when every normal person would have left a long time ago. More people have had more from him than i have for a shorter amount of time and left. i'm causing my own heartbreak- so the only one that can fix it is me. and that dear internet, is what i shall do. begin fixing my heart... but honestly, for anyone who may come across this blog, the one thing i shall give you, anyone heartbroken, wondering to stay with some guy is this : one day, in your own time you shall realise, that life with them is goood, but life without them can be even better...and if not, if its destiny you will be back together somehow. because thats life.
so roll on 2011, because i know i am myself now. sure i love him still. there is no denying that. liking him for 2 years is not going to suddenly stop, and tbh i know myself it wont. but i am going to try to do things for me, and not worry about my chances with him..because after the past few weeks ive learnt, nothing is more important than making sure that, when everyone else around you is happy, you make time to make sure you are too.
x'b.
Friday, 17 December 2010
just abit ill.
Being ill does funny things to you.
and the feeling that new year and christmas are near makes me wonder weather or not i can stay the way i am with you. Ofc, im always going to love you - nothings going to change that. But at one point in your life, you have to carry on living. To start living for yourself. These past few days; where i've been home sick, i've just started to wonder if perhaps now would be a time for me. :/
and the feeling that new year and christmas are near makes me wonder weather or not i can stay the way i am with you. Ofc, im always going to love you - nothings going to change that. But at one point in your life, you have to carry on living. To start living for yourself. These past few days; where i've been home sick, i've just started to wonder if perhaps now would be a time for me. :/
Tuesday, 14 December 2010
slowly giving up
We can find a way out in the darkness
Sometimes you make it really hard for me to love you. Ever since I found out about her, you've been slowly drifting away and avoiding me, yet you still tell me those sweet lies. Yet as each day goes by, I hear another rumour, another girl wanting to talk to me about something you've done, something you've said to them. Is it ever going to stop? Am I ever going to be enough for you? Or am I destined to spend the rest of my life wondering around, forgiving everything you do to me, until I die, or stop loving you- whatever comes first. :/
I thought that everything this year, between us, was a good sign but now i feel like i'm just living a slow and painful death, waiting for the final curtain to come and finish it all off. and atm, i'm waiting patiently, in fact im prepared for it. i dont know how much longer i can hold on for. fgs, its almost christmas, and because of you and all the shit that surrounds you i want it to be over.
i keep saying to myself, i will give him until new year, to prove that this is what you want, or i'm going to cut all ties with you. i know i cant, but i dont know if i can even wait that long to even try.
Sometimes you make it really hard for me to love you. Ever since I found out about her, you've been slowly drifting away and avoiding me, yet you still tell me those sweet lies. Yet as each day goes by, I hear another rumour, another girl wanting to talk to me about something you've done, something you've said to them. Is it ever going to stop? Am I ever going to be enough for you? Or am I destined to spend the rest of my life wondering around, forgiving everything you do to me, until I die, or stop loving you- whatever comes first. :/
I thought that everything this year, between us, was a good sign but now i feel like i'm just living a slow and painful death, waiting for the final curtain to come and finish it all off. and atm, i'm waiting patiently, in fact im prepared for it. i dont know how much longer i can hold on for. fgs, its almost christmas, and because of you and all the shit that surrounds you i want it to be over.
i keep saying to myself, i will give him until new year, to prove that this is what you want, or i'm going to cut all ties with you. i know i cant, but i dont know if i can even wait that long to even try.
Monday, 6 December 2010
Friday, 26 November 2010
broken.
after all the happy smiles and the words that were said; i now know they were fake.
after everything that seemed to have changed; i now know it was fake.
the way my heart feels; I know it was true love.
This time it was supposed to be different. No promises and no lies meant no heartbreak for either of us.
but again it was fake, everything still the same. :|
without any exaggeration, you broke me. my heart split completely in too. shattered. but the only person who can fix it properly is you. twisted much?
i'm 16 and been the other girl before. never again do i want to - but apparently i still am.
after everything that seemed to have changed; i now know it was fake.
the way my heart feels; I know it was true love.
This time it was supposed to be different. No promises and no lies meant no heartbreak for either of us.
but again it was fake, everything still the same. :|
without any exaggeration, you broke me. my heart split completely in too. shattered. but the only person who can fix it properly is you. twisted much?
i'm 16 and been the other girl before. never again do i want to - but apparently i still am.
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
a cold heart, on a cold night.
i gave up my friendship with my mates for the boy i love.
dont get me wrong - i still see them. just not as much.
but they're girls. its all drama. and im passed that. we're leaving school in the summer its time to grow up.
but now im scared. i'm loosing them. and i never thought that this would scare me as much as i do. but i cant loose him; and i cant loose them. but there is no inbetween. its impossible. he hates her, she hates him. its a mess.
if i see them, im loosing him.
if i see him im loosing them.
but today, it felt like i was loosing them both.
is it worth loosing my friends who ive known for years. to this boy, who hurt me before, and isnt even my boyfriend? ;/
i just dont know anymore, whats the best.
xB'.
dont get me wrong - i still see them. just not as much.
but they're girls. its all drama. and im passed that. we're leaving school in the summer its time to grow up.
but now im scared. i'm loosing them. and i never thought that this would scare me as much as i do. but i cant loose him; and i cant loose them. but there is no inbetween. its impossible. he hates her, she hates him. its a mess.
if i see them, im loosing him.
if i see him im loosing them.
but today, it felt like i was loosing them both.
is it worth loosing my friends who ive known for years. to this boy, who hurt me before, and isnt even my boyfriend? ;/
i just dont know anymore, whats the best.
xB'.
Friday, 12 November 2010
Promises (L)
Not that anyone reads this.. but no updates in a few days :(.
I'm just someone silly in love;but sometimes the pain and the heartache from it can actually be worth it. I've sort of been 'with' this guy for about 2 years now. But previously I was kinda sharing him with his on/off girlfriend who coincidentally used to be one of my bestest ever friends.
Last October, I ended things. I said I couldn't be the one who wasn't his number 1 etc. but like true love happens, I couldn't stop myself completely from talking to him. By Christmas we were sending flirty texts and being 'us' again. By the summer, we were more than we ever were before, talking and chatting, and I began to live for him again, but apart of me used to think that as soon as we went back to school, his ex would be back in the picture again, and I would be the one he came to when he wanted to fool around.
3 months later? Yesterday he said the sweetest thing to me ever. Charlie has huge issues with promises, and he wont make them unless he can keep them. And for this I love him. He told me that he would promise me he would tell me when he talks to the ex...and he did. To some, this may not sound like something important, but for me, the other girl, its one giant leap into the unknown. A step in the direction that one day, we will be what I hope they will be.
Truth is, I cant picture my life without him. I need him in my life. This is no longer a silly teenage romance. I dont want anything between us to change.
xo.B
I'm just someone silly in love;but sometimes the pain and the heartache from it can actually be worth it. I've sort of been 'with' this guy for about 2 years now. But previously I was kinda sharing him with his on/off girlfriend who coincidentally used to be one of my bestest ever friends.
Last October, I ended things. I said I couldn't be the one who wasn't his number 1 etc. but like true love happens, I couldn't stop myself completely from talking to him. By Christmas we were sending flirty texts and being 'us' again. By the summer, we were more than we ever were before, talking and chatting, and I began to live for him again, but apart of me used to think that as soon as we went back to school, his ex would be back in the picture again, and I would be the one he came to when he wanted to fool around.
3 months later? Yesterday he said the sweetest thing to me ever. Charlie has huge issues with promises, and he wont make them unless he can keep them. And for this I love him. He told me that he would promise me he would tell me when he talks to the ex...and he did. To some, this may not sound like something important, but for me, the other girl, its one giant leap into the unknown. A step in the direction that one day, we will be what I hope they will be.
Truth is, I cant picture my life without him. I need him in my life. This is no longer a silly teenage romance. I dont want anything between us to change.
xo.B
Friday, 5 November 2010
have no regrets, at one point its what you wanted.
Have you ever wondered why you're friends with some of the people you are?
Have you ever wished, wished so hard, that you had made different friendship choices over the years?
I never had, until this past week.
I've always told myself, you should never regret anything because at some point in time, you made that choice for a reason- because you wanted it. I love my friends to pieces. I do. And most days, I wouldn't change them for the world. And I get that we all have problems within our lives, but as a friend, you should listen and be listened to in return. Right now, that's just not happening for me. With mocks, real exams, boy trouble, college applications and everyone else's problems its just getting too much; yet everyone seems to forget that I am a person too.
I don't mind listening to them and giving them advice, I mean, I don't see them as much any more as I used to. I hang out at different places, and speak to them less. But I still love them. They know that I do. Lately, I've just felt that perhaps they forget about me - until they need someone to tell their problems to.
I really need their help as well. I'm in a sticky situation. I am sorta kinda, with this guy. We had a 'thing' a 2 years ago, and this summer, started again. But I'm no better off than I was then - when he was flicking between me and his GIRLFRIEND. This time there is no girlfriend so there is no excuses...right?
I just dont know what to do. I just want someone to listen to, and so dear blogger.com it shall have to be you. Even if I have no followers, I shall write as often as I can- even if its just to protect my sanity. And document what goes on, so that when I look back, I know that at that one moment in time, everything right now, was because I wanted it.
xB'.
Have you ever wished, wished so hard, that you had made different friendship choices over the years?
I never had, until this past week.
I've always told myself, you should never regret anything because at some point in time, you made that choice for a reason- because you wanted it. I love my friends to pieces. I do. And most days, I wouldn't change them for the world. And I get that we all have problems within our lives, but as a friend, you should listen and be listened to in return. Right now, that's just not happening for me. With mocks, real exams, boy trouble, college applications and everyone else's problems its just getting too much; yet everyone seems to forget that I am a person too.
I don't mind listening to them and giving them advice, I mean, I don't see them as much any more as I used to. I hang out at different places, and speak to them less. But I still love them. They know that I do. Lately, I've just felt that perhaps they forget about me - until they need someone to tell their problems to.
I really need their help as well. I'm in a sticky situation. I am sorta kinda, with this guy. We had a 'thing' a 2 years ago, and this summer, started again. But I'm no better off than I was then - when he was flicking between me and his GIRLFRIEND. This time there is no girlfriend so there is no excuses...right?
I just dont know what to do. I just want someone to listen to, and so dear blogger.com it shall have to be you. Even if I have no followers, I shall write as often as I can- even if its just to protect my sanity. And document what goes on, so that when I look back, I know that at that one moment in time, everything right now, was because I wanted it.
xB'.
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