So, in a few hours its going to be 2011. a long anticipated new year; a fresh start. for me anyway. I've been looking forward to this for the past month or so. but now its here? I wish it wasnt.
Up until last night, I was all ready to say goodbye to 2010 and welcome the new year..with fresh chances and new experiences to help make the year a better one than this has been. I honestly believed that today I would embrace the change I've wanted for so long and learn to accept that with the new year coming I was going to take charge and make sure, this one is a better one for me. But seriously, the closer it gets, the more I wish the year would stay the same. I know what 2010 expected of me - yeah it threw me surprises, and hurt me quite abit too. But what if 2011 is going to throw more things at me - worse things? after the past few years i've had..i dont know if i can handle that.
for my last few posts, i've talked about finally letting go of Charlie. moving on to someone new and finally acknowledging the past 2 years have happened. But now its here, im doubting if i am truly ready to leave him, and all thats happened behind. tbh, i dont think im ready. :/
perhaps im scared that i'll end up alone... although i know, and honestly i do, that even with him in my life, i will end up alone - while he's there im never going to let anyone else in and he doesnt want me like that. and truthfully, i think im holding on because its become my routine. I dont know any different, i cant remember what it used to be like to not do what i do around him. I dont know what i'd do without coming home and talkign to him all night... its been 2 years since i came online to not talk to him.
the new year should be about change. and i want to bring change. but the thing i dont get, is how people seem to think, true change can happen overnight. :/
will i ever be free? even after everything, i dont want to hurt him. and i dont have it in me to say goodbye, although i know thats what i need to do. </3
2011? wait a few months
xb'.
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