Now I don't know if its PMS hitting me right now, the fact I went back to school today or I'm just generally feeling low at the moment.. but NOTHING seems to make me wanna smile today. :/
Aside from my constant boy issues and friend troubles ( as there was no added extra conflusion or drama to this mix today - thank god!) there is nothing remotely in my life that would be making me feel this low. Life is sucking.
I've just had the longest Easter holiday ever in my life where I actually did some pretty fun things, hung out and met new people and chilled myself out which I totally needed. Britain also gets a day off this Friday for the Royal Wedding - which I'm going to be brutally honest - was at first just a good excuse for an extra day for me to hide from school and do nothing at all. But the more its advertised and talked about on TV the more I'm beginning to appreciate the wonder that will soon be our future King and Queen (although I'd much rather marry Harry myself, and I think he'd make an excellent King). Sadly I'm going to admit, I am quite happily looking forward to spending the day watching the delights on TV and - better still - telling my children and grandchildren what the wedding was like when they grow up under their reign. I've never been a royalist, but listening to the TV today, hearing a newsreporter actually define it as a fairytale made me wonder at the fact that it is just that. The first (probably - dont hold me against it) British Fairytale. No one else that I have heard of or known has grown up as a normal middle class girl and met her Prince Charming (excuse the pun) and got to marry him. If Kate ( or Catherine) gets to become one of the most famous and important people in the country then surely we all have hopes of finding someone half decent and normal in our little lives? I'm beginning to think we have a really good role model compared to the celebrities in the tabloids - not that I dont enjoy reading about their lives and follow their trends myself. I'm just saying, I'm beginning to appreciate the whole wedding shindig and am actually beginning to fall in love with the girl myself.. and actually falling in love with Prince William too.
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Monday, 25 April 2011
Are all guys the same?
I'm 16 years old and throughout the years I have come across many guys. Boys and Men. Not just teenagers but the males in the world of all shapes and ages. And so is it sad to say that I'm beginning to think they're all the same?
Last year and the year before that I had Charlie, The guy before that was Ryan and the one before that was Josh. I thought that perhaps it was how I picked them. Or the fact that guys in school period were just the same. Influenced by peer pressure and the general rubbish that comes with being a teenager. But then I went on holiday last summer with my friend. The first proper holiday abroad with no particularly over responisble parents on the scene. So we met older guys. And I began to think that perhaps not everyone of them was the same. Until, they all began to morph into the silly little boys you find at school - these were supposedly fully grown men... well, young men. The older I get and the more males I meet I really am beginning to get worried.
Like, seriously, what is it with the hot and cold game? Standing there flirting outrageously with you the whole time you're together, and then suddenly going cold and distant the next time you see them? Or, those texts you get where there's kisses on the end eventhough you didnt put any in the first place, but when you're with them and other people as well, you're lucky to even be acknowledged.
A random post I know, but the males in my life right now are confusing me. I have the ex who keeps appearing in my life and however much I try and block him out I find my thoughts randomly going back to him in the most random of thoughts and linked to even crazier feelings. I've met a few new guys since everything with Charlie ended, and yes, honestly to begin with I thought that perhaps things could happen there, but the more I hang out with them the more I begin to see its exactly what I left before just in a larger form.
One guy, I clicked instantly with. I dont see him all too often but when we do see eachother things make sense. He is a gentleman doing the manly things and barely making me lift a finger- which is so nice. But then he stands there talking about other girls trying to provoke a reaction from me. He's also moving on soon enough. He confuses the hell out of me which makes me want him even more, but I'm holding myself back. Deep down I know it would never work. We're both going our different ways and I will miss him like crazy - I first met him a few years ago, when things with Charlie were all good - and I remember thinking 'OMG, I wanna get to know him..he seems so cool' and then like a few years later here I am. But things change, people make plans.
Recently I met another guy. He's more my age and does seem a little different to all the other guys I generally go for. He's a friend of a friend, and I can't stop thinking about him, wondering if we met up again (which we have plans to) something would work out. As far as I know, he has no random past like the previous guys or no long term plans for the future which I cant see myself fitting into. When we first hung out earlier in the week he was really shy, then he came out of his cage for like 10 mins bantering back at me and my friend then hid in his shell again. I am so not appreciating the hot and cold thing from Guys. Seriously- Pull yourself together!
Last year and the year before that I had Charlie, The guy before that was Ryan and the one before that was Josh. I thought that perhaps it was how I picked them. Or the fact that guys in school period were just the same. Influenced by peer pressure and the general rubbish that comes with being a teenager. But then I went on holiday last summer with my friend. The first proper holiday abroad with no particularly over responisble parents on the scene. So we met older guys. And I began to think that perhaps not everyone of them was the same. Until, they all began to morph into the silly little boys you find at school - these were supposedly fully grown men... well, young men. The older I get and the more males I meet I really am beginning to get worried.
Like, seriously, what is it with the hot and cold game? Standing there flirting outrageously with you the whole time you're together, and then suddenly going cold and distant the next time you see them? Or, those texts you get where there's kisses on the end eventhough you didnt put any in the first place, but when you're with them and other people as well, you're lucky to even be acknowledged.
A random post I know, but the males in my life right now are confusing me. I have the ex who keeps appearing in my life and however much I try and block him out I find my thoughts randomly going back to him in the most random of thoughts and linked to even crazier feelings. I've met a few new guys since everything with Charlie ended, and yes, honestly to begin with I thought that perhaps things could happen there, but the more I hang out with them the more I begin to see its exactly what I left before just in a larger form.
One guy, I clicked instantly with. I dont see him all too often but when we do see eachother things make sense. He is a gentleman doing the manly things and barely making me lift a finger- which is so nice. But then he stands there talking about other girls trying to provoke a reaction from me. He's also moving on soon enough. He confuses the hell out of me which makes me want him even more, but I'm holding myself back. Deep down I know it would never work. We're both going our different ways and I will miss him like crazy - I first met him a few years ago, when things with Charlie were all good - and I remember thinking 'OMG, I wanna get to know him..he seems so cool' and then like a few years later here I am. But things change, people make plans.
Recently I met another guy. He's more my age and does seem a little different to all the other guys I generally go for. He's a friend of a friend, and I can't stop thinking about him, wondering if we met up again (which we have plans to) something would work out. As far as I know, he has no random past like the previous guys or no long term plans for the future which I cant see myself fitting into. When we first hung out earlier in the week he was really shy, then he came out of his cage for like 10 mins bantering back at me and my friend then hid in his shell again. I am so not appreciating the hot and cold thing from Guys. Seriously- Pull yourself together!
Monday, 14 February 2011
Sunday, 13 February 2011
not the way i wanted this to happen
'because the stars fool us all'
heard it from my friend.
If only she realised the true meaning of this. Okay so i havent updated this blog as often as i thought i would.. but i guess i've been busy, or avoiding the fact that I was back to speaking to Charlie again. It lasted a few weeks the whole 'i'm not going to talk to him, thats the end of us' kinda thing. We just started chatting one night and it felt so natural that I couldnt draw myself away from him. So for the past week, I've spoken to him every now and again.
But then, the usual rubbish and rumours followed. He had been doing (i'm going to be nice') "stuff" with a girl in a lesson at school. When I first heard of this, I actually laughed so hard. Just the thought that for once I didnt have to deal with it. He had the choice to make his own decisions considering we hadnt been really talking etc etc. But then when I got home, he popped up online and said it wasnt true, to not believe it. And i was confused. The whole time we were what we were, he never used that amount of willingness to talk about things. The whole 2 years it went on for. Never, and now we were over, (if we ever began) he was quite happy to defend his side so that i wouldnt get the wrong impression. I actually thought WTF. I mean, it had nothing to do with me right?
So then, last night, I went to a party, and the last rumour about him and a girl, the one where i WAS involved was there. Now, we hadnt spoken since I kinda barged myself up to her introducing myself and basically asking what the hell she was doing. and the nicest - but weirdest thing happened. She asked weather we could put it all behind us, and not let him get in the way like he has done previously. And truthfully, i was thinking of doing this, if i can do it with Ellie, who i went through months of pain with, then i can do it with someone i dont know other than the fact she had a thing with Charlie. And i had a really goood night dancing and laughing with her.
The downside was though, Charlie was there as well. I thought wow, this is going to be awkward. And it was. Everytime i spoke to one of his mates, immediately after he was with them, if i hugged them, he was interrogating them afterwards. When I sat on their laps (there were no seats left) he got another girl to sit on his. When i danced he stared. I dont get it. he NEVER showed this much care and attention before, and this isnt fair to start doing it now :/
I miss him i do. I mean talkign to someone pratically everyday for 2 years and then cut all ties is hard. Not something I reckon a 16 year old should have to do. and this is the second time ive done it. But im always going to love him, and i know i should be trying to get over him. It wasnt a healthy relationship whatever it was.
Im just stuck. I know what im doing is right, but i dont get where this new care and love has come from and i guess im just doubting what i thought long and hard about..
xo.B'
heard it from my friend.
If only she realised the true meaning of this. Okay so i havent updated this blog as often as i thought i would.. but i guess i've been busy, or avoiding the fact that I was back to speaking to Charlie again. It lasted a few weeks the whole 'i'm not going to talk to him, thats the end of us' kinda thing. We just started chatting one night and it felt so natural that I couldnt draw myself away from him. So for the past week, I've spoken to him every now and again.
But then, the usual rubbish and rumours followed. He had been doing (i'm going to be nice') "stuff" with a girl in a lesson at school. When I first heard of this, I actually laughed so hard. Just the thought that for once I didnt have to deal with it. He had the choice to make his own decisions considering we hadnt been really talking etc etc. But then when I got home, he popped up online and said it wasnt true, to not believe it. And i was confused. The whole time we were what we were, he never used that amount of willingness to talk about things. The whole 2 years it went on for. Never, and now we were over, (if we ever began) he was quite happy to defend his side so that i wouldnt get the wrong impression. I actually thought WTF. I mean, it had nothing to do with me right?
So then, last night, I went to a party, and the last rumour about him and a girl, the one where i WAS involved was there. Now, we hadnt spoken since I kinda barged myself up to her introducing myself and basically asking what the hell she was doing. and the nicest - but weirdest thing happened. She asked weather we could put it all behind us, and not let him get in the way like he has done previously. And truthfully, i was thinking of doing this, if i can do it with Ellie, who i went through months of pain with, then i can do it with someone i dont know other than the fact she had a thing with Charlie. And i had a really goood night dancing and laughing with her.
The downside was though, Charlie was there as well. I thought wow, this is going to be awkward. And it was. Everytime i spoke to one of his mates, immediately after he was with them, if i hugged them, he was interrogating them afterwards. When I sat on their laps (there were no seats left) he got another girl to sit on his. When i danced he stared. I dont get it. he NEVER showed this much care and attention before, and this isnt fair to start doing it now :/
I miss him i do. I mean talkign to someone pratically everyday for 2 years and then cut all ties is hard. Not something I reckon a 16 year old should have to do. and this is the second time ive done it. But im always going to love him, and i know i should be trying to get over him. It wasnt a healthy relationship whatever it was.
Im just stuck. I know what im doing is right, but i dont get where this new care and love has come from and i guess im just doubting what i thought long and hard about..
xo.B'
Friday, 31 December 2010
Happy New Year
So, in a few hours its going to be 2011. a long anticipated new year; a fresh start. for me anyway. I've been looking forward to this for the past month or so. but now its here? I wish it wasnt.
Up until last night, I was all ready to say goodbye to 2010 and welcome the new year..with fresh chances and new experiences to help make the year a better one than this has been. I honestly believed that today I would embrace the change I've wanted for so long and learn to accept that with the new year coming I was going to take charge and make sure, this one is a better one for me. But seriously, the closer it gets, the more I wish the year would stay the same. I know what 2010 expected of me - yeah it threw me surprises, and hurt me quite abit too. But what if 2011 is going to throw more things at me - worse things? after the past few years i've had..i dont know if i can handle that.
for my last few posts, i've talked about finally letting go of Charlie. moving on to someone new and finally acknowledging the past 2 years have happened. But now its here, im doubting if i am truly ready to leave him, and all thats happened behind. tbh, i dont think im ready. :/
perhaps im scared that i'll end up alone... although i know, and honestly i do, that even with him in my life, i will end up alone - while he's there im never going to let anyone else in and he doesnt want me like that. and truthfully, i think im holding on because its become my routine. I dont know any different, i cant remember what it used to be like to not do what i do around him. I dont know what i'd do without coming home and talkign to him all night... its been 2 years since i came online to not talk to him.
the new year should be about change. and i want to bring change. but the thing i dont get, is how people seem to think, true change can happen overnight. :/
will i ever be free? even after everything, i dont want to hurt him. and i dont have it in me to say goodbye, although i know thats what i need to do. </3
2011? wait a few months
xb'.
Up until last night, I was all ready to say goodbye to 2010 and welcome the new year..with fresh chances and new experiences to help make the year a better one than this has been. I honestly believed that today I would embrace the change I've wanted for so long and learn to accept that with the new year coming I was going to take charge and make sure, this one is a better one for me. But seriously, the closer it gets, the more I wish the year would stay the same. I know what 2010 expected of me - yeah it threw me surprises, and hurt me quite abit too. But what if 2011 is going to throw more things at me - worse things? after the past few years i've had..i dont know if i can handle that.
for my last few posts, i've talked about finally letting go of Charlie. moving on to someone new and finally acknowledging the past 2 years have happened. But now its here, im doubting if i am truly ready to leave him, and all thats happened behind. tbh, i dont think im ready. :/
perhaps im scared that i'll end up alone... although i know, and honestly i do, that even with him in my life, i will end up alone - while he's there im never going to let anyone else in and he doesnt want me like that. and truthfully, i think im holding on because its become my routine. I dont know any different, i cant remember what it used to be like to not do what i do around him. I dont know what i'd do without coming home and talkign to him all night... its been 2 years since i came online to not talk to him.
the new year should be about change. and i want to bring change. but the thing i dont get, is how people seem to think, true change can happen overnight. :/
will i ever be free? even after everything, i dont want to hurt him. and i dont have it in me to say goodbye, although i know thats what i need to do. </3
2011? wait a few months
xb'.
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
2011 is on its way
Its the same book; just the beginning of a new chapter. you just have to decide what stays and what slowly leaves.
Following on from my post the other day, today more than ever I have decided that in 2011 i want to have fun and enjoy my last few months with everyone. In regards to Charlie, I hope that with some distance we can still remain friends and there are no harsh feelings there, because I dont doubt that in the future somewhen we will meet again and things will happen. At the end of the day, he IS too important to me to never speak to him again.. i just need some time for me right now. Experience life before i get too involved with him.. before my heart cannot ever love someone else. I dont want to end up alone after all, and I am a teenage girl.. i've only had eyes for him for 2 years, i want some time to be able to meet other guys. and for me the fact that college really isnt that far away holds new things and hope that i dont want to be held back. i dont want to have to worry about whats happenign with him. we're better off friends. thats the simple truth. i just need to work out the best way to leave without actually leaving if that makes sense. and preferably before the weekend. luck is needed :L
xB'.
Following on from my post the other day, today more than ever I have decided that in 2011 i want to have fun and enjoy my last few months with everyone. In regards to Charlie, I hope that with some distance we can still remain friends and there are no harsh feelings there, because I dont doubt that in the future somewhen we will meet again and things will happen. At the end of the day, he IS too important to me to never speak to him again.. i just need some time for me right now. Experience life before i get too involved with him.. before my heart cannot ever love someone else. I dont want to end up alone after all, and I am a teenage girl.. i've only had eyes for him for 2 years, i want some time to be able to meet other guys. and for me the fact that college really isnt that far away holds new things and hope that i dont want to be held back. i dont want to have to worry about whats happenign with him. we're better off friends. thats the simple truth. i just need to work out the best way to leave without actually leaving if that makes sense. and preferably before the weekend. luck is needed :L
xB'.
Sunday, 26 December 2010
the heart doesnt stop breaking, even over christmas
the wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them
I dont want this to sound like its a depressing post, because in the whole its not going to be. I had a fabulous christmas with my family and know that this final week of winter break is going to be awesome with my friends.
But, and yes, there is a but, the heart wants and even santa cant bring to us all what we want every year, and this year is not mine either. I havent been very well lately, ive had the flu quite seriously which is why i havent posted ( not that anyone actually reads these LOL).
But back to the point, with Charlie, things were getting a lot better, the last few days of term. He WANTED to come find me, he WANTED me to speak to him in the evenings, and tbh my whole play it cool thing, boys are elastic bands other thing was working. And then things went wrong.
Up until this point, i'd been ill for a week and a bit so had barely spoken to him as i had no energy or strength to spend my evenings talking to him online... and obvisouly i hadnt been in school. few days before xmas, i'd already organised to go to Brighton (place on the south coast of england) for a few nights with my fam and friends. He did previously know this...but when i came back, he was kinda having a go at me wondering where i am because i didnt let him know. so he gets arsey. i get bitchy. blah blah he turns it round saying that it was just cos ive been distant and cos ive been ill hes been worried..yeah but thats the point.. i've been ILL. something snapped. just pop. i realised, that yeah im always going to love him, but right now i need to think aboiut myself. why should i enter the new year with some boy who makes me feel so bad at times (okay he treats me good to, but thats not the point). why should i spend my last 6 months of senior school not out enjoying myself flirting around and meeting new people and furthermore why should i wonder, when i get to college, if i CAN be with someone, when im in this half existance with him.
I realised, in a twisted way, ive kept coming back to him. I've kept keeping hope, when every normal person would have left a long time ago. More people have had more from him than i have for a shorter amount of time and left. i'm causing my own heartbreak- so the only one that can fix it is me. and that dear internet, is what i shall do. begin fixing my heart... but honestly, for anyone who may come across this blog, the one thing i shall give you, anyone heartbroken, wondering to stay with some guy is this : one day, in your own time you shall realise, that life with them is goood, but life without them can be even better...and if not, if its destiny you will be back together somehow. because thats life.
so roll on 2011, because i know i am myself now. sure i love him still. there is no denying that. liking him for 2 years is not going to suddenly stop, and tbh i know myself it wont. but i am going to try to do things for me, and not worry about my chances with him..because after the past few weeks ive learnt, nothing is more important than making sure that, when everyone else around you is happy, you make time to make sure you are too.
x'b.
I dont want this to sound like its a depressing post, because in the whole its not going to be. I had a fabulous christmas with my family and know that this final week of winter break is going to be awesome with my friends.
But, and yes, there is a but, the heart wants and even santa cant bring to us all what we want every year, and this year is not mine either. I havent been very well lately, ive had the flu quite seriously which is why i havent posted ( not that anyone actually reads these LOL).
But back to the point, with Charlie, things were getting a lot better, the last few days of term. He WANTED to come find me, he WANTED me to speak to him in the evenings, and tbh my whole play it cool thing, boys are elastic bands other thing was working. And then things went wrong.
Up until this point, i'd been ill for a week and a bit so had barely spoken to him as i had no energy or strength to spend my evenings talking to him online... and obvisouly i hadnt been in school. few days before xmas, i'd already organised to go to Brighton (place on the south coast of england) for a few nights with my fam and friends. He did previously know this...but when i came back, he was kinda having a go at me wondering where i am because i didnt let him know. so he gets arsey. i get bitchy. blah blah he turns it round saying that it was just cos ive been distant and cos ive been ill hes been worried..yeah but thats the point.. i've been ILL. something snapped. just pop. i realised, that yeah im always going to love him, but right now i need to think aboiut myself. why should i enter the new year with some boy who makes me feel so bad at times (okay he treats me good to, but thats not the point). why should i spend my last 6 months of senior school not out enjoying myself flirting around and meeting new people and furthermore why should i wonder, when i get to college, if i CAN be with someone, when im in this half existance with him.
I realised, in a twisted way, ive kept coming back to him. I've kept keeping hope, when every normal person would have left a long time ago. More people have had more from him than i have for a shorter amount of time and left. i'm causing my own heartbreak- so the only one that can fix it is me. and that dear internet, is what i shall do. begin fixing my heart... but honestly, for anyone who may come across this blog, the one thing i shall give you, anyone heartbroken, wondering to stay with some guy is this : one day, in your own time you shall realise, that life with them is goood, but life without them can be even better...and if not, if its destiny you will be back together somehow. because thats life.
so roll on 2011, because i know i am myself now. sure i love him still. there is no denying that. liking him for 2 years is not going to suddenly stop, and tbh i know myself it wont. but i am going to try to do things for me, and not worry about my chances with him..because after the past few weeks ive learnt, nothing is more important than making sure that, when everyone else around you is happy, you make time to make sure you are too.
x'b.
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